Kill Myself
by Tinyteffers
Summary: A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?
1. Chapter 01

STORY TITLE: Kill Myself

AUTHOR: Tinyteffers

RATING: Mature

PARINGS: Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby

WARNING: This story talks in depth on the topic of suicide and all the different things that go along with that story topic.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody from the NCIS TV show. Any other characters I take responsibility for since they are my original characters.

SUMMERY: A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?

AUTHOR NOTE: Just to add a bit to the story, I want everybody to know that this story is very important to me because Tony's story follows real life experiences from my own life.

Kill Myself ::: Chapter 1

Tony stood in the bathroom listening to the shower running as he looked at the tiny red pills in the bubble packs. He turned to make sure the door was locked before he began popping all Forty-Eight pills into his mouth. Once he was done he looked at the distorted face in the bathroom mirror. 'It'll all be over soon'. He thought to himself as he got into the shower.

As he soaped his body his mind began to race in relationship to what he had just done. 'Jethro is going to kill me if he knew what was going on. What is the point of the pills then' he let out a rather sadistic laugh.

He and Leroy Jethro Gibbs have been officially dating now for six months. They originally had kept both their houses and took turns at which house they would spend the night. After about five months the couple was sick of living out of two different drawers and decided it was time to move in together. So on their five-month anniversary Tony moved into Gibbs' house

Sighing Tony turned off the water and stood in the shower for a good five minutes before he stepped out of the tub and grabbed a towel off the rod. As he wrapped it around his waist he looked at himself in the mirror once again and tried to hold back the tears he felt fighting to run down his cheeks.

It had been about a month since he had begun seeing people's faces distorted. First it started out in dreams and then moved to normal every day living. He would see them with their skin peeling off and had bright red eyes. To himself he would describe them as 'Zombies'. But that wasn't the only thing that looked bloody. Every bit of running water was blood red and metallic tasting. He had made sure to have a surplus of bottled water around the house and at work so he didn't have to deal with running water except for taking a shower.

Tony had almost told Gibbs about what he was seeing, but knew they would make him go through lots of psychological testing to make sure he was fit for duty. There was no way in hell Tony was going to allow that to happen. So for now Tony decided to ignore it.

Now a month later it was becoming too much for him to bear. As he stood there he could feel his body reacting differently to the over the counter medicine. This was it, should he go to the basement and tell Gibbs what happened or should he let the medicine take its course.

Standing there, feeling his heart pounding in his chest, he knew what he had to do.

Not even bothering to get dressed in more then just the towel around his waist, Tony headed down the stairs to the main floor and then down the stairs to the basement where he could always find Gibbs making something. Right now Gibbs was building a handmade baby cradle for the newest addition to the McGee family. Abby was pregnant with their first child, due in late February.

Hearing some noise over the archaic TV set, Gibbs looked up and saw Tony standing at the top of the steps. "You okay?" He asked his younger lover. "Why are you just in a towel? It's early January and snowing outside."

Tony didn't respond in words but instead he walked down the steps and over to Gibbs. Still without speaking, he held up the silver bubble packs that once held the forty-eight bright red pills.

Gibbs looked at the packs and then at Tony. "You have a cold and ran out of medicine?" He questioned, finding it odd that his normally overly dramatic and overly talkative boyfriend was completely silent. That is until he said five words that would always be stuck in Gibbs mind forever.

"I took all of these," Tony said softly, glancing at the empty pill packs.

Now Gibbs was really confused, why in God's name would Tony do something like that? Was it a mistake or did he do it on purpose?

"Why?" he simply asked even though his interviewing and interrogation classes always said 'don't ask why'. The problem is when it comes to a loved one you often don't give a rats ass about any kind of training.

Tony was quiet for a second before he answered the question. Taking a deep breath he was completely honest. "I want to die."

Those words made Gibbs feel like throwing up. He had noticed Tony acting a bit odd over the last few months but NEVER saw this coming.

"You took all these pills because you want to die?"

Tony nodded his head and looked down at the floor.

"Well 'I' don't want you to die so since I now know we are going to get you some kind of help." Gibbs said, putting down his tools and headed to the stairs. "If you don't follow then I am really going to question your love for me."

That was something Tony NEVER wanted Gibbs to think. He would ALWAYS love Gibbs. Taking a deep breath, he followed Gibbs upstairs, not sure what was going to happen next.

Once both men were upstairs Gibbs grabbed the phone and phonebook from the kitchen. After flipping around a bit he found what he was looking for. He shoved the phonebook towards Tony and handed him the cordless phone. When he saw the confused look on Tony's face he elaborated. "Call poison control and see what they think we should do." He said pointing out the number on the page.

Tony got a pout on his face. "Can't you call for me?"

Gibbs shook his head. "No you did this, you call."

Groaning, Tony turned on the phone and dialed the poison control number laid out in front of him.

"Poison control how can I help you?" came a comforting sounding female voice.

Tony cleared his throat before talking. "Umm Yeah hi, um I was told to call you guys 'cause I took a bunch of cold medicine. Um my name is Tony DiNozzo."

"Did you mean to take the medicine or was it an accident?" The woman asked.

"On purpose." Was all Tony said.

"Well Mr. DiNozzo, how many and what kind of medicine did you take.

"I told you it was cold medicine and I took close to 50 of them." Tony said getting frustrated with the woman,

"Sir, I need to know what kind of pills. It makes a difference in what instructions I give you."

Tony looked over at Gibbs. "What are those?" He felt pretty stupid not knowing what kind of medicine he actually took.

"Sudafed," Gibbs answered.

"I took almost 50 Sudafed Pills." Tony told the woman at poison control.

"Okay Mr. DiNozzo, there can be many complications with an overdose like this. I need you to call 911 or have somebody take you to the closest hospital. Do you know where the closest hospital is?"

"I believe D.C. General is the closest. It's like 5 minutes from my house."

"Okay do you have a ride there or do you want me to get 911 on the line?"

The sound of an ambulance ride did not sound like fun. "My boyfriend can drive me,"

Gibbs was already putting on his winter coat as Tony finished up his phone call.

Tony hung up the phone and relayed the information from poison control to Gibbs. "I need to go to the hospital ASAP." He told his lover

"Gibbs nodded, "Go get dressed and we will go."

Tony didn't say anything just went upstairs to their bedroom and changed into a pair of matching sweat pants and sweat shirt. He almost didn't worry about underwear but then thought about the horror of being in a hospital gown without underwear on. Once he was dressed he went back downstairs and over to Gibbs. "I'm Ready."

"Let's go then." Gibbs said going into Boss mode out of fear of what was happening with Tony.

As they drove the short distance to the hospital both men were silent, neither sure what to say.

In the ER of D.C. General Tony was rushed back for vitals and out of some miracle they allowed Gibbs to be back with Tony.

Tony watched his vitals in shock the pills hand made his blood pressure and heart rate go sky high. 'Crap I really could have killed myself' He thought as they led him back to a hospital room that was different from a normal hospital room. It was basically empty besides a small hospital bed and a bit of hospital equipment.

They got Tony stripped to a hospital gown and stickers were placed everywhere so a technician could do an EKG on his heart.

Once that was finished they hooked Tony up to an IV and a heart monitor. The whole process was a whirlwind of activities. Quite frankly the whole thing was making him dizzy. After the medical doctor checked on him he was told to wait for a social worker to come see him.

That was something Tony hated the most. He hated any type of person that wanted in his head. That could be a social worker, a psychiatrist, psychologist and maybe even a psychic even though he found them kind of interesting.

When left alone the en were still quiet for a whole five minutes.

"Gibbs." Tony whispered looking at his boyfriend.

Gibbs didn't look like he wanted to say anything but he did. "Tony what is going on? Why would you do something like this? Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?"

Tony looked away in embarrassment and sighed. "I didn't want to bug you with my problems. I'm a federal agent I'm supposed to be tough," He said as he watched and listened to the beeping of his still fast heart rate on the monitor.

"If you weren't on camera I would totally slap you right now." Gibbs said honestly. But instead was running his hand through Tony's brown hair. Part of him was jealous. HE had already been graying when he was Tony's age. But not Tony nope he had a full head of beautiful light brown hair.

"I'm already," Tony answered softly. He hated to know he gave Gibbs any sort of pain.

Gibbs stopped his stroking hand and used it to turn Tony's face in his direction. "Never apologize DiNozzo. We will get through this just like everything else we've stumbled across.

Hearing Gibbs' words relaxed Tony a lot and it was evident on how fast his heart was racing. "I love you," he whispered

Gibbs learned over and pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead. "I love you too so you better not leave me."

TO BE CONTINUED…

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. US AUTHORS LOVE TO GET FEEDBACK OF ANY KIND FROM OUR READERS.


	2. Chapter 02

STORY TITLE: Kill Myself

AUTHOR: Tinyteffers

RATING: Mature

PARINGS: Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby

**WARNING: This story talks in depth on the topic of suicide and all the different things that go along with that story topic.**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody from the NCIS TV show. Any other characters I take responsibility for since they are my original characters.

SUMMERY: A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?

_AUTHOR NOTE: Just to add a bit to the story, I want everybody to know that this story is very important to me because Tony's story follows real life experiences from my own life._

**THANK YOU EVERYBODY THAT ADDED THIS STORY TO THEIR FAVORITES OR REVIEWED. I TRIED TO GET BACK TO EVERYBODY THAT EITHER REVIEWED OR SENT MY AN PRIVATE MESSAGE FOR THE LAST CHAPTER.**

**Kill Myself ::: Chapter 2**

It took almost two hours in that odd hospital room for Tony's doctor and nurse to clear him medically. He was excited to lose the I.V. and all the weird wires attached to him. That is until he found out that meant he didn't get to go home and then he got pissed.

"You just said I'm cleared, that I'm back in tip top shape why can't I go home?" Tony exclaimed.

"Mr. DiNozzo, Tony you are being placed on what is called a mental health or psychiatric 'hold'." When the doctor only got a confused look by both the men in the room he continued. "This is because Tony purposely took an overdose of pills and stated he had the intention to hurt himself."

"But he'll be coming home with me. I can watch what he does." Gibbs pointed out.

"With due respect Mr. Gibbs, you were at home when Tony overdosed in the first place." The nurse said speaking up.

"Well that was different, I didn't know he was suicidal at the time. If I had known that I would have been watching him and hiding all the medication in our house." He then added. "Which is what I would do right now."

The doctor nodded in understanding but also shook his head at the same time. "It is state policy that anybody who comes to the hospital after attempting suicide gets placed on a 'hold' at least for twenty-four hours."

Tony flopped back on the bed and groaned. "So I have to be her a day then I can go home?"

"It is not up to me when you go home at this point. Now it is up to the social worker and yourself to talk about what your next plan is going to be. That could easily be going home, or it could mean spending more time at the hospital. Hopefully Maggy our social worker will be here soon to talk with you." Said the doctor.

Both men simply nodded as the nurse and doctor left the rom.

"This sucks," Tony grumbled looking up at the ceiling.

"Should of thought of that before" Gibbs pointed out.

Tony slightly glared at his Lover "Thanks Jethro, that is exactly what I wanted to hear. You are so supportive."

Gibbs was about to say something when there was a knock on the door. A middle-aged woman poked her head inside. "Hello Tony, my name is Maggy and I am a social worker here in the Emergency Room. May I ask you a few questions?"

"I don't think I have much of a choice." Tony said as he messed with his blankets to make sure he was covered well enough.

"Do you want to do this alone or have him stay in the room?" As she said 'him' she looked at Gibbs.

Tony shook his head, "Jethro can stay."

"Very well then, Tony why don't you tell me what has been going on tonight?"

Tony sighed; I took too many cold pills and the poison control person said I should come here."

Maggy wrote this down and asked. "Did you take the pills on purpose or was it an accident?"

Tony snorted; "Do I look stupid enough that I would take 48 plus pills and think that was the recommended dose?" He shook his head "I took all the pills on purpose."

"Can you tell me why you did that?"

"Life is shit, I wanted to end it." Tony said point blank.

This caught Gibbs off guard. How did he miss that his lover, his second in command, was feeling that way? He was with Tony almost twenty-four seven, how is it even possible a person could miss something like that?

"So you took the pills with the intent to end your life." Maggy questioned to make sure she understood Tony right.

"Yes"

"Do you have any idea why you would say life is shit right now? Can you explain it to me?" Maggy asked.

"I'm seeing shit that is really freaking me out." Tony admitted. "It's like all the faces of people that I see are falling apart. They look like those people you see in zombie movies or something like that." Tony tried to explain.

Maggy wrote this on her paper "So you see me and Jethro like that right now?"

Tony nodded his head. "Yeah, and I also see all running water as if it's bloody, or at least blood red." He wasn't sure why but he felt comfortable talking with Maggy, but was still sad that he had to tell Jethro what was going on. He figured Jethro wondered why he had never told him this before.

"So if you took a shower or I turned on some running water right now you would see the water as red?" Maggy questioned.

Tony nodded and looked down at his lap.

"How long have these visions been going on Tony?"

"Probably like a month or something." Tony said.

Gibbs was shocked at all of this. How had his lover been going through all of this stuff and not telling him any of it? Worst of all how had he not noticed Tony seeming more anxious. If this has been going on for a month then it had to have been affecting the way he had been working and yet he had not noticed anything.

"So Tony we need to wait a bit until a bed is available up on one of our psychiatric floors. This hospital has three different units but we are full at the moment. So you are going to have to sleep here in the ER until then. You have been medically cleared right?"

Both Gibbs and Tony nodded their heads. "Yeah the doctor told us I was before you came in a bit ago."

Tony then commented on the mention of a psychiatric unit. "I don't really think I need to be some place with a whole bunch of people who think they are Jesus Christ or something."

Maggy smiled. "We work things out with care level. As you are right now you would not qualify to go where Jesus Christ or Elvis is residing." She tried to joke with the younger man. "The unit we hope to get you on has a lot more freedom, you don't have to share a bedroom and most people are just dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts and actions things like yourself."

Hearing this made Tony feel a bit better about the whole thing. "Okay, thanks Maggy."

"Thank you guys," Maggy stood up and shook both Tony and Jethro's hands before leaving the odd-looking hospital room.

"This place is enough to make somebody depressed," Tony said looking at the blank walls. He was mostly just unsure what to talk to Gibbs about. He knew his older Lover was hurting and he didn't know what to do about it. It hurt HIM to know he had hurt his Lover.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way? A whole Goddamn month Anthony?" Jethro exclaimed but his voice was still soft, almost deadly soft. It was obvious he was upset over this.

"I didn't want to worry you about it." Tony replied again looking down at the hospital blanket in his lap and picked at it.

"And you don't think sitting in the hospital with my boyfriend after he overdosed on medication from MY medicine cabinet isn't stressing me out? Isn't worrying me?"

Jethro was indeed upset over the situation. Now that he knew Tony was safe he felt like he was able to really let go on how HE felt with it. "We need to be honest with each other if this relationship is going to work." He said honestly.

Tony looked at Gibbs with fright in his eyes. "If you leave me I am sure to kill myself."

"Anthony; I already said that I love you and I am not going anywhere. We will both get through this. Just from now on be honest with me."

"Honesty is the best policy." Tony tried to joke.

Gibbs smiled a little but it didn't go to his eyes like a lot of his smiles did when it had to do with Tony. He then thought of something. "You haven't wanted to make love in like a month, you've been blaming being tired from work and other things, but is it really because I look scary…as one of those zombie things you mentioned?"

Tony nodded. "Yeah, I haven't been able to get it up in what seems like forever. Nothing seems pleasurable to me right now. It's not just the stuff I'm seeing my Libido just seems to be completely gone.

"Well it definitely makes sense WHY, I would not be able to have any desire for much of anything if I was seeing the things you have been and for that length of time. I don't know how you've been doing it." Gibbs admitted.

Tony shrugged, "I tried to ignore it as much as possible, but I guess I could only do that for so long before it really began to get to me. I knew I could only hide it for so long because I felt myself slipping so far into some type of depression."

"Understandable." Gibbs said and then glanced up at the clock seeing it was now almost eleven O'clock. "It's getting kind of late do you want me to go so you can get some sleep.

Tony was never big on sleeping in hospitals but also knew that they probably wouldn't let Jethro stay around all night with him. "Yeah I guess I could try and sleep some." He said wiggling in the small ER bed that was even smaller and more uncomfortable then your typical hospital bed. "That is if I can get any sleep." He glanced out the door and saw there was a security guard sitting there watching over him and he figured the other people who were in the other odd hospital rooms. "It seems I have a watch dog for the night. I am sure he will keep me safe." He didn't know why but he had a feeling Jethro was worried to leave him after all that happened.

Gibbs looked at the security guard and did feel a bit better as he grabbed up his coat. "I will call the ER in the morning and find out what is going on, see if they have moved you anywhere yet. I will then figure out visiting hours and such."

"Sure thing," Tony said hoping he was still worthy enough to get a goodbye/goodnight kiss from the man.

Gibbs leaned over and placed a loving kiss to Tony's lips and then one to his forehead. "I love you, don't leave me." He whispered in Tony's ear. "You WILL make it through this."

Tony felt some sort of Déjà Vu when Gibbs said this, reminding him of the time he had been in the hospital with the pelage. In a way the memory of that was just enough to feel a bit stronger. He had made it through that illness he can make it through this too.

"I love you too Jethro, I will see you in the morning." Tony said giving Gibbs a huge hug and then letting him go head for the door. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Tony."

With that Gibbs headed out the door and Tony tried to settle in for the night. He had a feeling this was going to be a long road to travel, but he knew Leroy Jethro Gibbs would be there for him. With that thought in mind he closed his eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. US AUTHORS LOVE TO GET FEEDBACK OF ANY KIND FROM OUR READERS.**


	3. Chapter 03

**STORY TITLE:** Kill Myself

**AUTHOR:** Tinyteffers

**RATING:** Mature

**PARINGS:** Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby

**WARNING: This story talks in depth on the topic of suicide and all the different things that go along with that story topic.**

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own anybody from the NCIS TV show. Any other characters I take responsibility for since they are my original characters.

**SUMMERY:** A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?

**AUTHOR NOTE:** Just to add a bit to the story, I want everybody to know that this story is very important to me because Tony's story follows real life experiences from my own life.

**THANK YOU EVERYBODY THAT ADDED THIS STORY TO THEIR FAVORITES OR REVIEWED.**

**Kill Myself ::: Chapter 3**

Tony woke up the next morning due to a nurse walking into his room and requesting that she do his vital signs. Of course Tony agreed and once she left he glanced at the clock seeing it was almost eight. He was surprised he had slept that long, but on the other hand wasn't that surprised. It had taken him what seemed like forever to fall asleep and he kept waking up because the man in the room next to his kept screaming and banging on walls all night long. He kept thinking over and over again that this was not where he needed to be. He was a freakin federal agent for crying out loud.

Groaning, he used the button on the side of his bed to raise it and sat there for a second trying to figure out what to do next. He DID have a TV in his room, covered over with what he figured was Plexi Glass and had been told by his nurse that morning he could control it with the buttons on his nurse call controller. Watching some TV didn't sound so bad, but there was one other thing that he had to do first.

Awkwardly shimmying out of the bed through the bottom so he didn't have to lower the sides, he got out of bed and walked to the door he was sure was made out of some really tough metal. As he stood in front of the door he was able to see written in EXPO marker who his Doctor, Nurse, and CNA were for the day. "Doctor Roberts, Nurse Tammy and CNA Oscar. Why would somebody with the name of Oscar want to be a CNA?" he questioned after reading the words out loud. Shaking his head he opened the door, thankful it hadn't been locked, and looked outside.

Directly outside his door was a female security guard sitting on one of those doctor-rolling stools. He couldn't see her nametag that well but he thought it said something like Rose, or was it Ruth? Anyway he figured she would be the one to help him out with his problem.

"Um Hi…I was curious if it would be okay if I use the restroom." He asked the woman who he now saw was named Rose like he originally thought.

Rose smiled at Tony and nodded her head, "Sure thing…it's right over there, just knock first since not everybody decides to lock the door behind them around here."

Tony simply nodded and went to the bathroom knocking on the door. Nobody responded so he opened it and went inside. It was a large bathroom with even a shower. As he did his business he thought that maybe he would ask Rose about taking a shower later on. Then again he hoped he wasn't stuck in the ER that long.

After washing his hands, Tony headed out of the bathroom and back over towards his room. "I've got two questions that I hope you'll be able to answer for me" he said in a voice that came out as slightly flirty. People always said he was a natural flirt even though he didn't hear it in his own voice and often argued when people said this.

Rose smiled again, "Sure whatcha got?"

"Well first off is it possible to get breakfast soon, I am starving….and secondly I noticed there was a shower in the bathroom, is it possible to take a shower a bit later if I am still here in the ER?" Tony questioned.

"To answer your first question you have a breakfast tray here, we were just keeping it warm until you woke up. And about the last question, yes you can take a shower whenever you want to as long as it's not being used," Rose replied as she got up and walked over to a metal box on wheels and pulled out a cardboard tray with Styrofoam containers on it. "Here you go, I hear today breakfast is actually really good. We've got one of the best breakfast sandwiches around. I've had people say they are better then McDonalds."

Tony found the part about the breakfast sandwich hard to believe, but right now his stomach was protesting so loudly that he didn't care if it all tasted like cardboard or was baby food mush. He took the tray back into his room, turned up his lights and climbed back into bed. He was thankful that a little while after Gibbs had left the night before somebody had come in and told him he could change out of his hospital gown and into a pair of green scrubs. They were much more comfortable then the hospital gown he had been wearing.

Once he got himself settled he opened up the first box on his tray and saw it was a breakfast sandwich. It didn't look like baby food mush or cardboard and smelled, well…really good. He took a bite and found himself moaning at how good it tasted, he was rather surprised with how right on Rose has been about the food.

As he ate his breakfast he turned on the TV and started to flip through the channels. He normally did not watch TV at eight in the morning on a weekday so he didn't have his hopes up for anything really good to watch. Thankfully though it seemed USA network was having a marathon of Law and Order SVU and that would keep him occupied. He often liked to critique how awful the actors were when it came to following leads or going to crime scenes, but it was also well written so he could get glued to the TV watching it.

After about five hours of just sitting and watching episode after episode Tony was getting antsy in the small, odd box of a room. He was thankfully getting used to it, but still he was beginning to feel, well…boxed in. Looking at the clock and seeing it was after one in the afternoon and he had already had his lunch, he figured he would try and get a shower in since nobody had come in to tell him what was happening next.

Once again shimmying out of his bed he walked out to see Rose still sitting in the same spot. "Don't you get sore just sitting there?" he questioned her as he poked his head out the door.

"I don't always simply sit, sometimes I roll around." She rolled the stool back and forth for a second to show what she meant.

Tony chuckled, "I see…well I was wondering if it is possible to take that shower now?"

Rose nodded, "Sure thing, just let me call somebody to get you towels, soap and another pair of scrubs."

"Thanks, I'll just wait in here." Tony said going all the way back into his room and sitting on the foot of his bed.

It took about half an hour for Rose to get everything together but when she did she knocked on Tony's door and when she heard 'come on in' she opened it and smiled at the rather attractive patient that was in her care.

"Well I finally got Oscar, your CAN, to get the things you will need for your shower." Rose said handing the items to Tony.

"Thanks," Tony replied as he took the two flimsy towels, a bottle of what said 'body and hair wash' on the label and another pair of the green scrubs. It wasn't perfect, definitely not a five star hotel, but it would do the job and give him something to take his mind off of things.

Rose walked with Tony to the bathroom and added. "I will knock on the door and ask how you are every 5 minutes. If you do not respond a male security member or a member of the nursing staff will come in and check on you, understand?"

Tony nodded, "Yeah I got it." He then walked into the bathroom, locking it behind him. As he did so he found it kind of odd that the bathroom had a lock in the first place. He figured it must be some kind of lock that is easy to pick if a problem arose.

Well it didn't matter to him, he planned on responding to all the 5-minute checks and there wasn't anything in the bathroom he could hurt himself with anyway. He wasn't so desperate that he would like bite his own arm so he could bleed to death (he had seen that in a movie), nor did he want to figure out how to make a weapon out of the urine specimen cups or chew on the feminine wipes. Heck he didn't even want to know WHY they had special wipes in the first place. Shaking that thought out of his head he stripped out of his clothes, peed and then started the shower.

The shower surprisingly had a pretty good spray and started at a good temperature. He has been expecting to either have to take a freezing cold shower or a scorching hot one since you simply just pushed a button and there weren't any controls to set the temperature you would want.

Sighing in relief he let the water cascade down his body and tried to think of happy thoughts, not ones of being in a hospital emergency room bathroom taking a shower with a security guard named Rose just outside the door. It was at a time like this that he missed Jethro. He wondered if his older Lover had gone into work that morning. He figured he had since the man was a workaholic and it also was one of the things he did when he needed to forget about something in real life. Tony was actually the same way.

Before he knew it 5 minutes had gone by and he heard Rose's voice on the other side of the door. "Tony just doing a 5 minute check!" she called.

"Okay, I'm alright, thanks!" Tony called back as he grabbed for the odd shampoo and body wash mixture. He didn't want to think of what the stuff would actually do to his hair, or body for that matter. Sighing he soaped himself up from head to toe and then rinsed off and climbed out of the shower

Again he found himself pondering why women needed to have special wipes BEFORE giving a urine sample and why in the world was it called a clean catch. The whole process just grossed him out and he tried not to think about it anymore even though it kept coming to his head as he dried off.

Once dry he went to get dressed when he realized something. He didn't have any clean underwear. "Oh ewe," he said to himself as he put on the dirty pair of boxer-briefs and then the clean green scrubs. Before he left the bathroom he looked at himself in the mirror and rubbed at his face. He wished he could shave too, but THAT was something he figured he wouldn't be doing for a little while. Getting clean underwear and his own hygiene products he figured he could work out later on.

Gabbing up his dirty clothes and towels he walked out of the bathroom to find Rose in her typical spot. "Where do I put these things?" he questioned indicating the dirty scrubs and towels.

"Right in that basket would be great." she said pointing at a white cloth basket on rollers next to the bathroom.

"Oh yeah, okay." Tony did what she said and then headed back to his room to find once again SVU was playing. It was an episode he had not seen before so he settled in to watch.

Just as the show was about to end there was a knock on the door and a slightly overweight woman poked her head into the room. "Hi Tony?"

Tony just nodded.

"Hi my name is Brenda and I am with the county and am here to talk to you about the psychiatric 'hold' they put you on when you came into the ER last night." She said politely.

Tony nodded again, "Hi Brenda."

Brenda smiled. "Would it be okay if I talk to you for a few minutes." She glanced up at the TV set. "Sorry to catch you in the middle of watching TV."

Tony waved his hand as if saying 'it's okay'. "It's fine I've been watching it all morning."

"Okay good well I have some questions to ask you if that is alright."

Tony nodded.

"Alright then my first question is how are you feeling today? Mood wise that is?"

Tony sighed as he thought about it, "I'm okay I guess."

"What do you mean by 'I guess'." Brenda questioned, not letting him get off so quickly. "Last night you came in here after a rather significant overdose and stated you wanted to take your life. How are you feeling about THAT this afternoon?"

"If I was at home I would do it again." Tony said after a few moments of silence. "I still wish I was dead."

Brenda wrote this down on a pad she had in her lap. "Do you have any specific plan on how you would want to end your life?"

"Well if Jethro hasn't locked up all the meds in the house I would O.D. again. Then there is always the guns we have in the house, or all the tools we have in the basement. Lady, if I wanted to kill myself there are a lot of ways to do it at my place. I mean I have a lover who's rule number 9 in life is to never go any place without a knife, if that gives you any indication."

Hearing this Brenda wrote frantically on her pad of paper. What Tony didn't know was that he was putting himself in the hospital for a longer amount of time then he would ever want.

"So it sounds like home is a rather dangerous place for somebody who wants to end their life." Brenda said.

Tony just nodded.

Brenda cleared her throat. "Okay with all the information you have given me here I will like to keep you on your 'hold' definitely at least through today, but it may be likely that it will change to what we call a fourteen day diversion. Which means you would be placed on a psychiatric hold for fourteen days and then we would reevaluate at that time.

"So you're saying it could either be one more day or fourteen, there is no place in between?" Tony questioned.

Brenda both nodded and shook her head. "Yes and no." If tomorrow I come and we still need to continue the hold but you seem a bit better then I may come again and continue on a daily basis. But we will have to see how things are going once they move you upstairs.

"Speaking of which do you know when that is going to happen?" Tony questioned. "I've been waiting to hear any news about when I'm moving all day."

Brenda stood up, "I will try and get a hold of your nurse on my way out." she smiled a little. "Do you have any more questions for me, Tony?"

Tony shook his head, "No, I think I understand everything. You are the lady with all the power to keep me here."

"Actually Tony you are the one who has that power." Brenda added as she headed out the door.

Tony flopped back against his pillows and sighed. It was then his phone started to ring. The annoying thing was that it was completely out of his reach. "Oh how nice."

It kept ringing, and ringing and ringing before Rose finally came in and got the phone for him. "Sorry Tony I got busy." she said before leaving him to his phone call.

"Hello?" Tony said into the phone.

"Hey…how are you doing?" came the gruff voice of his Lover. He figured that Gibbs was indeed still at work since he wasn't saying anything really lovey dovey which yes Gibbs COULD say when at the right time and place.

"Hey I'm doing okay, been killing myself watching SVU marathons and eating some rather good food." Tony said trying to joke around.

Gibbs sighed, "Tony I mean really how are you DOING."

Tony sighed right back, "I'm still seeing shit and thinking of ending my life. I just talked to this lady from the county who is in charge of the psychiatric holds. She kept me on the hold today and they are going to talk to me about it again tomorrow. She also mentioned something about a Fourteen-day diversion. Like they can keep me here against my will for fourteen days."

"Tony even if there wasn't a hold on you, you would be getting treatment in that hospital. I won't let you come home until they have that stuff in your head figured out. I know that might be what they call tough-love, but right now you've got me scared shitless."

Hearing those words come out of Gibbs had Tony in tears. "I don't want to be here Jethro…but I understand what you are saying. I don't want to go home either without something being figured out. I want the voices and the freaky ass images to go away."

"Good I'm glad we're on the same page."

"So how is work, you guys get any cool cases that I have to miss?" Tony asked and then thought of something. "What did you tell the team?"

"I was honest and told them the truth. They are worried for you and Abby says she already has the nuns praying for you."

Tony thought he would be mad if Jethro had gone behind his back and told the team that he was in the hospital and he tried to kill himself, but in reality, he wasn't too upset about it.

"Please say you at least said I did it in some cool way or something. Taking an overdose of cold meds and then telling somebody right away isn't exactly very manly."

"Tony I didn't give details, that is up to you, but even if I had, I think they would think how you did it was very Tony-Like."

Tony was going to whine and complain about what Gibbs just said when there was a knock on his door and his nurse poked her head into the room. "We've some escorts to help you upstairs finally." She said with a smile.

Tony found himself smiling back. "Hey Jet I've gotta go they are finally moving me upstairs. When I get up there I will figure out visiting hours and stuff and call you. There are also stuff I want you to bring me, especially my shampoo and body wash. The stuff they have here is atrocious."

Gibbs chuckled, he knew how important personal hygiene items were for his lover. "Okay I will wait to hear from you." There was a pause and then a whispered 'I love you.' Before the phone went dead.

"Okay I'm ready to go now." Tony said as he got off the bed and then got into the wheelchair they were insisting he used even though he could walk perfectly fine.

Taking a deep breath Tony let them push him towards the elevator and into a new period of his life.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. US AUTHORS LOVE TO GET FEEDBACK OF ANY KIND FROM OUR READERS.**


	4. Chapter 04

**STORY TITLE:** Kill Myself

**AUTHOR:** Tinyteffers

**RATING:** Mature

**PARINGS:** Gibbs/DiNozzo, McGee/Abby

**WARNING: This story talks in depth on the topic of suicide and all the different things that go along with that story topic.**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anybody from the NCIS TV show. Any other characters I take responsibility for since they are my original characters.

**SUMMERY:** A split second decision changes Tony DiNozzo's life forever. Will his Lover of 6 months stick by him for the long hall, or is this the end?

**AUTHOR NOTE:** Just to add a bit to the story, I want everybody to know that this story is very important to me because Tony's story follows real life experiences from my own life.

_**THANK YOU EVERYBODY THAT ADDED THIS STORY TO THEIR FAVORITES OR REVIEWED. ALSO THANK YOU TO MY LOVING BETA NYRE THE BLACK ROSE. YOU ARE AMAZING!**_

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><p><strong>Kill Myself ::: Chapter 4<strong>

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><p><em><strong>Original Character Bios<strong>_

_**Jenny Curtis**_ – 22-years-old and is currently pregnant and spending time at the hospital due to a suicide attempt and continuing suicidal thoughts. Deeply depressed and often spent most of her time in her room when not quietly joining groups.

_**Travis Howard** _– 45-year-old man who suffers from Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. He can be overly happy one second and really down and depressed the other. This can lead to outbursts of high energy or extreme aggression. He has been at the hospital for the last thirty days while the court system is trying to find a more long-term placement for him.

_**Steven Tims**_ – 27-years-old man who has Major depressive disorder and is currently at the hospital after slitting his wrists in a hotel room after his girlfriend of eight years kicked him out of the house.

_**Rebecca Kim** _– 30-year-old woman suffering from severe PTSD after being in a bad domestic violence relationship for the past 10 years. She most recently had been living with her parents and mentioned to them that she wanted to kill herself so they brought her to the hospital. She has never tried to hurt or kill herself in anyway.

**_Michael Hooper_ **– 65-year-old man suffering from some early dementia but also having some symptoms from his diagnosis of schizophrenia that he received back when he had been in his early twenties. His son and daughter were both worried for their father and brought him into the hospital when he stopped caring for himself.

_**Alexander Bates**_ – 18-year-old diagnosed young in life with Aspersers disorder. Most recently he has been talking about ending his life with his parents so they brought him to the hospital for an evaluation. In the process he got placed on a 30-day hold to get new medication started and monitored.

_**Holly Zimmer**_ – 27-year-old female with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was kicked out of her recent group home for having sexual relations with another client and not taking her medication as prescribed. She is at the hospital to hopefully stabilize while her social worker finds her a new group home to reside in.

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><p>Once upstairs the security guard that had taken him up handed over his belongings to one of the nurses.<p>

Tony climbed out of the wheelchair and looked around the room he was standing in everything was decorated in various colors of green and could definitely use a make-over since it appeared to be stuck in the 90s.

"Hi Tony my name is Carl and I will be one of your nurses this evening, can we talk a little bit and I will give you a tour?" he asked with a small smile on his face.

Tony nodded "Sure I don't have anything better to do."

That caused Carl to chuckle a little. "Well I want to get you oriented to the unit and right now is a great time to do so since most of the residents are downstairs out in our garden area.

Tony simply nodded.

"Okay well this is the day area" Carl said pointing around the area they were standing in the middle of. There are tables and a couch in front of a flat screen TV. "You can watch TV through-out the day as long as a group is not going on. There are also puzzles, games and coloring supplies over there" he pointed in the various directions as he spoke.

"Are we expected to go to all the groups?" Tony questioned, not really sure how he felt about the whole 'group' thing.

Carl shook his head, "You're not required to go to all the groups, but it is highly encouraged. It is documented in your chart if you are or are not participating.

"Okay" Tony said now sure he was going to the groups because he wanted to get home was soon as possible even if it meant going to some dumb groups.

"Speaking of groups let me show you the group rooms" Carl said leading the way to a room that was just a few feet away. "This is where we normally do art type groups. As you can see it's got some rather decorative art and crafts around the room."

Tony could see that and was rather impressed with some of the art projects other residents had done. He knew HE wasn't very artistic though so he wouldn't be making any elaborate are projects. "Okay so this is the art and craft room" he said to Carl whom seemed to have to shake out of his thoughts because he wasn't moving on with his little tour.

"Oh yes… right, moving on" He then led Tony down another hallway of sorts to a room that had a piano, another TV set, and some chairs that were set up in a circle layout. "We do our 'process' group in this room and some music type therapies."

"What is a process group?" Tony questioned.

"Process group is more like traditional group therapy where people sit in a circle and talk about what brought them to the hospital and talk things through with each other" was Carl's response; one that actually made sense to Tony.

Carl led Tony out of that room and then paused to think of where to show Tony next. "Well those are most of our main rooms, but I should show you your bedroom. Thankfully up here on the fourth floor you don't have to share a bedroom like you would if you were downstairs in one of the more acute units."

Hearing this made Tony feel better, maybe if he wasn't as 'acute' like Carl said that would mean he could leave sooner.

Carl stopped in front of room 4308 and smiled. "This is your room, number eight. He opened the door and again Tony was bombarded with furniture that looked like it was at least a decade old. It smelled clean, but he knew one thing for sure, he was going to ask Gibbs to bring his fuzzy blanket and pillow from home since the hospital blankets looked scratchy and the pillows flat.

"Tony do you feel like you can be safe?" Tony heard Carl ask and shook out of his thoughts about blankets.

"Excuse me?" Tony asked since he felt like he missed part of that question.

"I asked if you think you can be safe here right now. If not I can lock your bathroom and you can ask to use it when you need to" Tony was a bit taken aback from that question but nodded his head slowly. "I overdosed… I doubt you have anything I can overdose on in the bathroom." He didn't mention how he had also been scratching on his wrists and thighs with various objects. He had hid this from Gibbs by wearing long sleeved dress shirts to work and then always wearing full pajama sets to bed. Now looking back on it he remembered Gibbs eyeing him oddly when he started wearing pajama's to bed when normally he loved sleeping nude even if he didn't plan on it turning into a sexual encounter (it normally did anyway).

"Tony we know about the scratching on your arms and legs as well, so I need you to answer this question. We are very serious about any type of self-harm here. Do you feel that you can be safe in your room even in areas that are not monitored by cameras such as your bathroom?" Carl pointed up to the camera in the corner of Tony's room. "We can monitor you here but there is no monitor in you bathroom."

"I'm feeling safe, I don't have anything to scratch myself with anyway" Tony said as he looked at the camera in disgust. He hated the fact that he was going to be watched twenty-four hours a day.

"While we are on the topic of monitoring at night we have half hour checks. It might take you a day or so to get used to having somebody opening your door every half hour but it's for your safety and safety of the other clients" Carl explained.

Tony simply nodded. He was beginning to realize that safety was definitely the biggest thing in this place, which he had to admit made sense.

Just then there was a bit of commotion and people started filing into the room talking about the rain outside, one person complaining about her socks getting wet.

"Jenny we can get you new socks and wash the ones you are wearing. It will work out." A staff member stated to the young woman.

Jenny looked like she might protest but in the end nodded her head and went to one of the chairs at the table to take off her socks and put her CROCS off.

"Maybe if you hadn't worn your socks inside your CROCS in the rain they wouldn't have gotten wet" A young man stated.

"Steven don't provoke Jenny" the same staff member said as she brought out some hospital socks for her to wear.

"Thanks Melissa" Jenny said as she put on the new socks and then headed for her own room.

"Hey look a new guy" A middle-aged man said pointing in Tony's direction. "My name is Travis what's yours?"

"Tony" was all he said.

"Nice to meet ya Tony, welcome to the nut house" Travis laughed.

"Thanks, I think" Tony chuckled a bit himself. "When is the next meal around here?" he questioned as his stomach growled a little.

"Well dinner isn't until five o'clock but we have snacks over there" Alexander, another resident, said pointing towards a corner of the room. "There isn't much, mostly just stuff to drink but there are graham crackers and hot chocolate. Those are the things I stick with when I'm hungry in between meals."

Tony looked at the clock and saw it was only around three o'clock and sighed. Graham crackers and hot chocolate was then.

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><p>It was after dinner and everybody was sitting around the main lounge area watching something on TV, playing a game, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Tony was currently helping Alexander and a woman named Rebecca put together a jigsaw puzzle with the scene of a garden on it. It was almost too cheery for Tony but he didn't complain out loud.<p>

"When did you guys start this?" Tony questioned the other two residents.

Rebecca looked to Alexander for the answer she didn't remember. "I think it was yesterday sometime."

Alexander nodded "It was actually yesterday afternoon after art therapy group. You wanted to do it because it looked a lot like the flower garden fuzzy poster you were coloring in group."

"Oh that's right, I remember now."

Tony smiled "Well you guys got a great start on it, it is almost halfway finished."

"We hope to finish it tonight or tomorrow because I could be going home in a few days" Alexander said in excitement.

Rebecca smiled at her younger friend. "That's great Alex, we'll miss you around here, you've made everything a lot of fun."

Tony didn't respond because he hadn't known Alexander more then a few hours so he simply continued trying to figure out where a random piece of the puzzle fit.

"Tony" came a very familiar voice to the younger man and he quickly turned in his seat and got a huge smile on his face. "Gibbs!" he exclaimed as he stood up and rushed to him giving him the biggest hug. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too Tony" Gibbs said with a small smile on his lips. He wanted to laugh at the slightly odd look on the other residents that Tony had been doing the puzzle with. "Going to introduce me to your new friends?"

Tony was so wrapped up in the hug that he forgot his manners. "Oh yeah, sorry." He pulled back and just took Jethro's one of his hands instead. "Alexander and Rebecca this is my Partner Leroy Jethro Gibbs… but everybody calls him Gibbs even though I have dibs to call him anything I want to" he said with a smirk.

Alexander and Rebecca seemed a little taken back but quickly recovered and smiled at the couple.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Gibbs" Rebecca said.

"Yeah nice to meet ya" Alexander followed.

"What are you three working on?" Gibbs questioned as he walked over to the card table and saw the almost complete puzzle. "Oh very nice. That is a very pretty scene."

"Thank you I picked it out" Rebecca said proudly.

Tony turned back to Gibbs "Did you bring all the things I asked you to bring?"

Gibbs nodded his head, "I brought the fuzzy blue blanket, your pillow, the book you've been reading and then your shampoo and body wash" he shook his head at the last part. Tony could sometimes be worse then a girl when it came for his hygiene products.

"Thank you so much!" Tony almost bounced up and down in joy causing the other two residents to eye him funny, Tony had been rather subdue since he had come onto the unit.

When he saw the funny looks Tony blushed, "Sorry guys I just hated taking a shower with that body wash and shampoo combo this morning. I think it killed my hair and skin" he scratched at his arm for affect. "See rash already setting in" he teased. He then turned to Gibbs, "Want to go talk in my room?

"Sure, lead the way" Gibbs said in his typical dry mannerisms.

Tony led Gibbs into his bedroom and automatically started putting his blue fuzzy blanket on his bed since it had already been checked in. He climbed on the bed and took a seat. "Ahh this is nice" he said rubbing the material.

"You have a fetish with soft things" Gibbs teased as he took a seat at Tony's desk chair. "So all comedic things aside, how are you doing?"

Tony sighed, he knew Gibbs would get to this at some point, he just hoped it could have been later then sooner. "I'm doing okay, just feeling rather down in the dumps."

"That seems to be understandable. I would feel down in the dumps if I was in a hospital… any place in the hospital" Gibbs replied.

"It's not so bad here and everybody the staff and residents both have been really welcoming, it's just not where I want to be" Tony admitted. "If it wasn't for that County lady keeping me on my hold I would be outa here."

Gibbs shook his head, "And not coming back to our house you wouldn't. I know its tough love sota speak but I am not having you come back home while you are still thinking of suicide and hallucinating. That is not safe for either of us. Give this a few days. Go to the groups that I saw lined up on the board for you to go to and see what happens. This could end up a really good experience for the both of us."

"You just don't want me around anymore" Tony said standing up and began pacing the small bedroom. "You see me as damaged goods and you don't want me around."

This caught Gibbs off guard and it was often hard to do that. "I don't want to get rid of you, I want you to get better so you can come home to me safe and healthy. Then we can talk about that adoption thing again and maybe have a baby in our future."

Tony shook his head, "You don't want that, you never did. The only child you could ever love was Kelly. Any other child that came into our lives would just be sloppy seconds compared to her" Tony hand NO idea where any of this was coming from but he just felt like ranting.

Gibbs stood up from his chair, "I'm not going to argue with you Tony. If you want to be upset with me that is fine but I am not going to take you yelling at me" he said.

Hearing Gibbs acting so calm just set the fire in Tony even more. "You talk like this is easy. That all I have to do is go to these groups and talk to headshrinkers, but it's not easy Jethro. The stuff that is going around in my head right now is not easy!"

"I never said it was easy!" Gibbs exclaimed shaking his head. "Quite frankly I think this is probably the toughest thing you've had to go through yet and you've been in the hospital with the plague for crying out loud. Our minds are fragile things, if just one thing is tweaked wrong everything else can fall out of place. I just want what is best for you and right now that is getting that little tweaked part of your brain all fixed up so you can come home to me. I am serious about wanting to look into adoption or even a surrogate mother. I think it's about time we start looking into the kid thing. You've wanted it since we were dating a month" Gibbs smiled at that.

Tony flopped down on his bed again and sighed, Gibbs was right he did want to get better so they could start a family. Sure they had only been together for a little over six months but he felt like it was the right time. "Okay I will stay… but it's going to be hard if that county lady comes in tomorrow and drops my hold. I am going to want to dash out of here like a jackrabbit.

"Tony just really think your options through if that happens and be honest with the woman. Don't say things are all hunky dory when they really aren't. Are you still having the hallucinations today?"

Tony didn't want to admit it but he did anyway. "Yeah" he replied.

"Then that is something you should work on with the doctor and therapists here. Your health is important and that does not only include your physical health."

For some reason what Gibbs just said had Tony curious. "What does the rest of the team think is going on?"

"They just think you are sick, I wanted your permission to tell them the truth. "Was that the right thing for me to do?"

Tony nodded his head, "Yeah, thanks… but now you can tell them what is going on. I give you permission. If they want to come visit and stuff they can do that too, but I know they are often busy with work past visiting hours."

"We will just have to see how things work out. Like today we got done with stuff rather early which is how I got here just a little after six O'clock" Gibbs explained.

"Glad it was a slow day" Tony said as he sat on his fuzzy blanket and looked out the window. It was dark outside but he could still see cars parked in the parking lot of the hospital because of street lamps. "This all feels so weird, me being here. I never thought I would be some place like this."

"I don't think anybody ever plans it Tony, it just comes up."

"Yeah it just comes up."

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><p>TO BE CONTINUED…<p>

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. US AUTHORS LOVE TO GET FEEDBACK OF ANY KIND FROM OUR READERS.


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